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Some people in the world say silly things, and it turns out humorous. Here, you'll find very funny quotes, along with other silly and dumb quotes.

"I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them."
- George Bush

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system!"
- Dan Quayle, on the concept of a manned mission to Mars

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
- Joe Theisman, quarterback and sports analyst

"Bruce Sutter has been around for awhile and he's pretty old. He's thirty-five years old. That will give you some idea of how old he is."
- Ron Fairley, Giants' broadcaster

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
- Danny Ozark, Phillies manager

"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads."
- Vlade Divac, NBA basketball player

"Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean."
- Basepall Player Pedro Guerrero on reporters

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
--Robert Frost (1874-1963)

You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears.
--Geri Jewell

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
--Erma Bombeck

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. Douglas Adams
--Author, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
--Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
--Woody Allen

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
--Albert Einstein

When a ladder was stolen from a store the manager said that further steps would be taken

I don't intend for this to take on a political tone. I'm just here for the drugs.
--Nancy Reagan former First Lady

I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with.
--Rodney Dangerfield

I just thought of something funny...your mother.
--Cheech Marin

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the 9 millimeter bullet.
--Dave Barry

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger
--Franklin P. Jones

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
--Jack Handey Deep Thoughts

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
--Joel, 14 Advice from Kids

My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil
--Paul Getty

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
--David Letterman

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
--Robert A. Heinlein

Our local Catholic church has plans to bring their parishioners to services by bus; they plan to call it mass transit
--Robert Tanner

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."
- Ernest Bevin, British foreign minister

"Wait a minute! I'm not interested in the agriculture. I want the military stuff."
- Senator William Scott (R-Va.) during a Pentagon briefing.

"I've read about foreign policy and studied, I now know the number of continents."
- George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign

"I can resist everything except temptation."
Oscar Wilde

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
Rodney Dangerfield.

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
Ellen DeGeners.

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."
George Carlin.

"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"
Paul Merton.

"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that."
Steve Martin.

"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."
Les Dawson.

"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney..."
Steven Wright.

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
George Burns.

"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."
Marty Feldman.

"If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it."

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."
Robin Williams.

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
Steven Wright.

"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."
Johnny Carson.

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' "
Charlie Brown.

"I've often thought that the process of aging could be slowed down if it had to go through Congress."
George Bush

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
David Letterman.

"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
Oscar Wilde

"Arrogant and right is surely better than humble and wrong."
Geoff Arbuthnot

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
Jim Carrey.

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."
Emo Philips.

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
Dick Cavett.

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
Dave Edison.

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
Sue Murphy.

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
Jerry Seinfeld.

"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."
Spike Milligan.

"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
Steven Wright.

"A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'."
Woody Allen

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."
Mel Brooks.

"I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet."
Henry Youngman.

"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
Emo Philips.

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
Steven Wright.

"I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb."
Freddie Starr.

"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."
Spike Milligan.

"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
Eric Morecambe.

"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest."
Rowan Atkinson.

"Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love ."
Woody Allen

"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
Groucho Marx

"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
Tommy Cooper

"Security puts a premium on feebleness."
H.G. Wells

"I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less."
Eddie Izzard

"I have nothing to declare except my genuis."
Oscar Wilde

"Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy."
Spike Milligan

"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less." Brendan Francis

" At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual."
Partick Moore

"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
A. Whitney Brown

"All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women."

"I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards."
Rudyard Kipling

"Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere."
George Burns

"If you cannot read this, please ask the flight attendant for assistance."
United Airlines Flight Safety Brochure

"You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'."
Homer Simpson

"History will be kind to me for I intend to write it."
Winston Churchill

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Groucho Marx

"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx

"Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress."
Joan Rivers

"Is he just doing a bad Elvis pout, or was he born that way?"
Freddie Mercury on Billy Idol

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
Rita Mae Brown.

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
George Gobol

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
Dick Cavett

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
Brooke Shields (during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign).

"You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label."
Mark Twain.

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry

"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."
Groucho Marx

"When you cook it should be an act of love. To put a frozen bag in the microwave for your child is an act of hate."
Top chef Raymond Blanc

"It's OK for him to ponce about in the kitchen spending hours cooking, but I bet he doesn't have to juggle picking up the kids from school and running a house."
An un-named mother's response to M. Blanc.

"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity."
Albert Einstein

"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk."
Stephen King

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
Mark Twain

"If it weren't for the killings, Washington would have one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
Mayor Marion Barry

"Seven out of ten people suffer from hemmorhoids." Does this mean that the other three enjoy it?
Sal Davino

"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are driving taxi cabs and cutting hair."
George Burns

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
Richard Jeni

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
Napoleon Bonaparte

"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often."
Oliver Herford

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert DE Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin William

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More Laughs
By Abraham Lincoln

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

By Henry Kissinger

No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much
fraternizing with the enemy.

By Unknown
Marriage is a three ring circus:
engagement ring
wedding ring

By Emo Phillips

When I was born they threw away the mold. Well, some of it grew back.

By Erma Bombeck

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

By Redd Fox

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

By N. Matejic

The wages of sin are death - but the hours are good

Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on
fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking
for, you've come to the right place."
In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At the entrance to a sperm bank: "The customer always comes first"

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